Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Monthly Music Spotlight: Trisomie 21

Most of my music tastes derives from the eighties. I really do think I was born in the wrong decade because during the eighties, I was a kid in diapers! As a result, it comes as no surprise that I would like to feature an 80's French coldwave band called Trisomie 21!

Trisomie 21 was formed in 1980 by two brothers called Philippe and Hervé Lomprez. The band name in English is Trisomy 21 (aka Down Syndrome)

Listening to this band brings back some fond memories of my babybat days and I would like to regale you on another story of what it was like back then for me. I think the year was 1997 or 1998 and I was about 17 years old, perhaps 18. Growing up in Montreal was great because we have so much culture and the local goth scene back then was thriving. We were very fortunate to have a radio show called "Les Mouches Noires" (The Black Flies to translate. Trust me, it sounds MUCH cooler in French!) that aired every Tuesday night. I remember staying up to listen to the program. This is right around the time people were only beginning to get the Internet in their homes and a radio program featuring music popular in the goth scene was the way to go! I was poor, didn't own a computer (most households didn't really own one back then) and there was no way in hell my mother would allow me to tie up her phone line (remember dial up?) to go on the Internet. Back in my adolescence, the radio show was a perfect source of information for baby bats like me! The DJ would introduce me to new Goth bands and I got to expand my knowledge on the subculture. This was my only way to discover new music aside from going to clubs and friends talking about it.
People would also be able to call in the show with requests and I remember getting all excited whenever a crush or a friend would dedicate a song to me! I used to own a cassette player (remember those?) and would record the songs off of the radio. I learned excellent timing skills that way because it was a real disappointment if I should ever miss the first few seconds of a song. It was a real treat whenever I managed to tape a special song request that was made out to myself or a friend of mine. I remember waking my parents up by shouting out in excitement and then getting yelled at for "making an ass of myself in the middle of the night" whenever a friend or crush would make a request for me. In fact, I wish I still had my cassette collection because I am pretty sure I recorded my mom giving me shit for waking her up!

I remember being enamoured with Trisomie 21's song "La Fête Triste"  that played on this radio program, which was also my introduction to the band. So tonight, I impart you with this song.  I hope you feel just as enamoured with it as I did those many moons ago and hope you all find some form of nostalgic memories of it from your youth as I just did. Enjoy!

Monday, 13 November 2017

Why I dislike (some, not all) other parents

Unsolicited advice and the expectation to follow through - Yes, this is my first child. Yes, I have no frigging clue what I am doing. I just wing it and hope for the best! The fact that he is alive and happy today means I am doing something right. I am guilty of this too, to a certain extent but I always tell the person that I am offering my two cents - ultimately, the decision is up to the parents. What pisses me off is when someone gives me their advice, insist I take it (although they know nothing about my family) and get angry when I don't. There is a fine line between a well-meaning person to someone trying to interfere with your personal family life! Usually this type of parent goes hand in hand with...

The my kid is better than your kid pissing contest. Ugh! Eye roll!
It started after I had my kid.The sancti-mommies came out from under their rock. I bottle-fed, I was shamed. I didn't co sleep, I was made to feel like I abandoned my kid. No matter what I did or didn't do, there was an annoying sancti-mommy there telling me how I am doing it wrong, how their precious angel hit (insert age appropriate milestone here) early. It was all thanks to their expert parenting and I need to do what they are doing.

That judgmental stare - Perhaps it is me but I know most parents judge. Hell, I have done it before I had a kid and thought I knew everything! Karma came around and bit me in the ass because boy, did I ever learn my lesson! I stopped doing that! There was this other Mom in my kid's school who used to give me dirty looks (I started calling her good old stink eye) and then gossip about me to other parents. 

This is my all time favourite: Breast vs bottle debate. While I admit, I have encountered a lot of fanaticism on the whole pro breastfeeding side, I also encountered a lot of bitterness (most of it my own) over bottle feeding. Perhaps it is because my son is going on eight years old and I no longer need to worry about such issues. This sometimes goes hand in hand with my kid is better than your kid type of parent. Some people bottle feed because low milk supply does happen despite what your breastfeeding bible tells you. Sometimes, fed is better. 

Being openly involved in a subculture and often wearing something that is outside the mainstream, I get stares and rude remarks. One woman wouldn't let her daughter play with my son and actually did the sign of the crucifix. Yes, because my blonde haired kid wearing brightly coloured clothes he chose to wear that morning is the spawn of Satan. Don't let those blue eyes and that cherub like appearance deceive you, he will devour your precious little angel's soul and spit out her bones!

*Insert tongue in cheek*

My unsolicited advice to any parent out there and no don't worry, I will never insist that you take it: do what you think is best for your family and enjoy the moments you have with your children. They do grow very fast and I always knew when my son was a baby that in 5 years, certain things that seemed important at that time wouldn't matter. I enjoyed his babyhood and I am glad I did. I didn't pay attention to what everyone else was doing. I did what I thought was best and consulted my pediatrician for advice. I am so blessed to have such a sweet, wonderful little boy. Very recently, I made a very hard decision to either continue being a working mom or be a stay at home one for a while. I chose to stay at home. I regretted not staying home sooner and blamed myself for some of the difficulties my son is having. I know now that it was never my fault. I did what I thought was best and I always have his best interest at heart. I learned that no matter the choice a parent makes, we make them out of love, out of the best interest for our child and family's well-being.So please do what is right for YOU and YOUR family and fuck what anyone else has to say.

Friday, 10 November 2017

Outfit post: Bringing out my inner Wednesday Addams

I always wanted a Wednesday Addams inspired dress but I never had that sort of cash to get one. When I saw this dress for a whopping $24.71 (Canadian funds) on the Shein website, I had to buy.... Come to Mama! MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!!!!!

.... And because I am super awesome, here is the link for the dress on the site. This is NOT a sponsored post. I just really frigging love the dress. Happy shopping!!!!

Peter pan collarWednesday Addams dress

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Outfit post:Just A Phase

Today was an odd day. I went over to my Mom's house to help her with a few things and wrap some Christmas presents. Yeah, don't ask. Working the previous years in a retail orientated business, I did everything last minute because I had no time. This year, I want to actually enjoy the Holidays so I got a head start. Don't worry, I didn't start until AFTER Halloween, I am not THAT psycho (okay November 1st but still!) and I have a nosy kid. I want to keep the whole Santa thing alive for one more year so I hide my stash at my Mom's. He is catching on! Last year, he told me and I quote:"Some kids think that the parents buy the gifts and that there's no such thing as Santa. I am not a stupid kid. I am smart. If you were buying the gifts, I would know where you would hide them. I would find them!" Meanwhile, I am thinking to myself "Yeah,right you little bugger!"

Our old neighbor also just dropped by to say hello. This woman used to live next door from my Mom's and was a real pain in the ass! Seriously, she was a busy body!She once came over to give me shit because she saw my undergarments on the clothes line. According to her, I was "too young to be wearing red lace bras!" I remember my response at that time:"At least I wear one!" because I don't think she ever did! Ha! She also used to look at me, shake her head in disapproval and comment "One day, you won't dress like that. I can't wait to see you grow out of that phase!"

Well, today she asked me how old I was. After I told her my age, she remarked that I have not changed or aged at all since I was still living at home, that I still dress the same and still dye my hair black. My response after thanking her because I like to think she was complimenting me: "Guess, it wasn't a phase after all!" My teen-aged self would have been proud! My Mom snorted and had to stifle her laughter.

This dress was purchased a while back from Mary Mourning's store, Autumn Moon Enchantments. I had to actually have it taken in a little thanks to the weight loss!

The photos were cropped since my kid was in the shot (he was playing on his tablet) and the lack of boots but the last one, I left un-cropped. I was telling the dog to go to her bed in order to stop her from photo bombing me! I thought it was funny!

Proof that she didn't stay in her bed for very long:

Monday, 6 November 2017

A what is going on in my life post

I thought I would give you all an update on my personal life because I wrote about having anxiety and I am pretty sure that most of you probably know by now that my doctor put me on medical leave from my job because of it. I was having panic attacks and needed time to rest and get my affairs in order. After spending almost 6 weeks on medical leave, my husband and I decided that it would be best for us as a family that I stay home for a while. That's right, I am stay at home Mom now! I quit my job! It wasn't an easy decision but sometimes, in life, the hardest decisions are the best ones.  For the record, I know I can write about this openly as some coworkers contacted me to keep in touch.

My son Philip has benefited immensely from this so far. Jay can relax a little more on the weekends because we are not running around doing cleaning/laundry/groceries and everything else.This means more quality family time. This means more time with Philip after school vs playing beat the clock to get homework and supper ready on time. I don't want to go into specifics with my son but his last two years at school were not easy, me being at home plays a huge part towards helping him.

Staying at home not only means doing house cleaning, it means being available should the school call because Philip is sick. It means no longer having to debate who's turn it is or who's available to go get him. You have no idea the numerous times I felt guilty because I was unable to leave my work or take a personal day to take care of Philip. Jay is great with him but a sick child doesn't always want their dad, a sick child wants their mom. It was my case with Philip and that really hurt me that I wasn't able to be there for him.

Staying at home also means learning new things. For example: I always wanted to learn how to cook pumpkin and very recently, I did just that! I have also been making more meals from scratch, including homemade chicken stock and soup! Staying at home means getting my produce from the vegetable stand/farmer's market (because I have time!) and no longer from the grocery store! Not only was I able to save money on the food budget by shopping this way, we are eating better. Despite having severely cut down on takeout/restaurants last year in order to reach my weight loss goals, we very rarely eat out anymore. Staying at home also means less already prepared, pre-packaged food that you throw in the oven. I have more time to cook and this has also helped with our food budget. We still splurge on frozen pizza (even order in at times) and chicken nuggets but it is less often than we used to.

Speaking of finances, things are going to be tight for a while but since we don't have a mortgage, we will be moving to a smaller place (re:less rent) over the summer. We planned on moving anyways. Once I calculated costs associated with me being a working parent, for example, child care services for when he is out of school. eating at a restaurant or ordering in, and various other expenses, the loss of income wasn't as much as I originally thought it would be. It just makes more sense for me to stay home!

By speaking with other moms, I realized that many of us, myself included, put so much pressure on ourselves to be all and do all but we sometimes can't do that. This was a great lesson for me and I am so lucky that I have the luxury to be a stay at home mom now. It was a very humbling experience because it means being financially reliant on my husband, something I am not used to. I also took pride in being able to work and I had to re-evaluate my priorities. Whether you are a stay at home mom or working mom both has it's pros and cons but for my family dynamics, my personal mental health issues and especially with having a child with special needs, at this moment, being a stay at home mom is what's best for us.

Friday, 3 November 2017

Story time: Clubbing in the nineties as a baby bat.

Earlier today, I came across an article that was written by The Blogging Goth titled Abuse, Assault, and the Goth Scene. If you have not done so already, please read his article because I will not regurgitate everything he so eloquently wrote but would like to add my two cents:

I think it is important for us, as members of the Goth community to have discussions about sexual harassment. As much as I would like to think that sexual harassment does not happen in the Goth scene, let's be realistic here, it can. This is something I wish I could put my head in the sand about but out of respect towards any victims of sexual assault, I will not. After all, isn't this one of the MANY reasons why victims don't come forward?

Now, I would like to talk about MY local Goth community here in Montreal and MY experiences within it growing up. Now, that I am much older and with my health issues, I unfortunately do not venture out as much as I would like. Hopefully, this will change soon. I can comment about the Goth scene here in nineties when I was a baby bat myself because I obviously went out more when I was younger.

I started clubbing REALLY young. I like to think that it was thanks to some of my friends who were much, much older than I was who kinda let me in the clubs before I turned the legal age (which is 18 here)

Now this is important because at that age, I was VERY naive. I was too trusting. I did all sorts of things. I used to take all sorts of drugs (I am not proud of this) and I am being BRUTALLY honest here. Many times, I had no frigging clue where I was. I remember falling down on the dance floor because I started bad tripping on PCP. I am by no means implying I deserved to have anything happen to me, don't be silly, NO ONE deserves that but let's call a spade a spade here; I was probably an easy target because I was really fucking out of it at that time. Also, it can happen to anyone, not just to people being inebriated, I would like to point that out too just in case.

I was a reckless youth.  Not only did my older, much more mature Elder Goth friends helped get me off the drugs, encouraged me to finish high school, they looked out for me. Yes, I deserved to be kicked out of clubs for my behaviour. Instead, my best friend brought me back to her place until the drugs wore off.I like to think it is thanks to these people I am the less stupid but more sober person I am today.

 I never felt unsafe at a Goth club. I got to know the bouncers. Hell, one of them used to make sure my best friend and I got back to her place safely, and he even went out of his way to drive us home!

Fast forward to a few years later. I toned down for my job and went out for a few drinks with some of my female non-Goth coworkers after work on a Friday. We were on Crescent street (which some of us refer to as "The Meat Market") Not only do these places play HORRIBLE music, as the evening went on and the place started to get crowded, you have no idea how many times I had my ass grabbed. This confused me because shit like this never happened to me at a Goth club.The overall impression I had was that men were simply there to get laid. These men, sometimes twice my age, would surround us and stare at us to the point we felt awkward. You knew they were sizing you up and we felt like a piece of meat. Even while I was working, I would sometimes frequent a Goth club and I never made to feel like a piece of meat, in fact, my overall impression is that sort of behaviour is frowned upon at Goth clubs. I am quite certain the organizers of these events try their hardest to make sure that everyone is safe.

This is why it is important for us to look out for one and other. The Goth scene over here is a lot smaller than what it used to be. Looking back, when we did have weekly goth nights, I was safe. We are smaller than ever and it is much easier to look out for one and other these days.

I am so grateful for the people who looked out for me. I try to keep an eye on my friends too because you never know .Despite feeling safe during a Goth night, one of the many reasons why I am afraid to go out (without my husband) is the fear of coming home by myself.

I think it is important that we share our experiences with each other and we need to please look out for one and other. Be safe.

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Halloween fun 2017

This year, Halloween was less stressful for me considering I am home on medical leave. Every time Halloween was on a weekday, I was pretty stressed out. Last year, I left work early to be able to take my kid trick or treating on time and it appeared everyone had the same idea; I was stuck in horrendous traffic! It was sort of a tradition to have Mcdonald's for supper in order to save time and afterwards, we would rush back home to go trick or treating. This year, we had a home cooked meal and we didn't play beat the clock!

The weather wasn't very nice, though. It was cold, damp, and there were some light showers. My son got tons of candy so it was all good. Living in Canada, we are used to weather like this. It builds character and makes memories!

What I really like about the city of Montreal is there were firetrucks that would stop in the middle of the street to hand out candy. Last year, we were never able to get to fire truck before it drove away but we were able to this year!

Anyways, Philip was happy to meet some of the local firemen. One firetruck in particular had all the lights on and had the original Ghostbuster's theme song blaring on loop. I thought that was really cool and brought back some fond, childhood memories. Who are you gonna call???

I wore my favourite coat. My dog Storm wore her Totoro costume that was purchased for her by my niece. We had many people stop us to admire our dog as well as my "costume." Apparently I was "la belle sorcière" - the beautiful witch. I thanked the people politely. I was amused. If only they knew that I wear this coat ALL THE TIME!

All in all, it was a wonderful night. Philip was generous with his Halloween candy, which is a bonus.  Philip doesn't like wearing makeup or masks (sensory issues) but dressed as Death. He wore the same costume last year. This was his choice. I was proud! To this day, he believes that Halloween is supposed to be scary. He also wanted the costume so he could have skeleton hands! Again, that also made me proud. Below are some pictures of our costumes and my coat. The dog took up residence in the cat's scratching post. She sleeps there and even puts some of her toys in there too.  How was YOUR Halloween???

Necessary Evil coatNecessary Evil coat

My Neighbor Totoro

My Neighbor TotoroMy Neighbor Totoro

Monday, 30 October 2017

Halloween pet peeves

I am going to most probably sound elitist here so bare with me. The point of this post is not to really offend anyone. I just want to express my not-so-positive point of view when it comes to normal folk dressing goth for Halloween.

Tomorrow is Halloween. This is my favourite holiday and I am sure that it is for the majority of us. I love this time of the year. Fall, doesn't just mean my favourite holiday but it also means cooler temperatures, my pretty corseted fall coat, the foliage and pumpkin spice everything. This is also the time of the year where I get the most annoyed too.

Like the majority of us, I often take my personal finances into question when it comes to purchasing alternative clothing. Don't get me wrong. I try to thrift shop, I try to get creative with outfits that can be purchased in mainstream stores, I bargain hunt online and I save up for a cherished, most desired piece of clothing. I often put a lot of time, energy, and effort into my look. With all that, it just rots my socks when people compliment me on my "Halloween costume." I used to laugh it off , smile and go about my way. Sometimes I would politely tell these people that "no, it is not a costume. I dress like this everyday" Perhaps there is a lot going on with my personal life but this year in particular, it took me a herculean effort to not get snarky with these people.

Another pet peeve: People buying cheap Goth Halloween costumes, wear bad makeup and then boasting about how they dress just like me! Ugh no, sweetheart. This sometimes amuses me. I sometimes laugh because their version of Goth is very different than ours. If it makes them happy. When I was a kid, back in the eighties, I was a punk on Halloween. I thought I was so cool. I wonder how the punks thought about this back then?

Lastly, I love scary costumes. Every year, I always scoff at the female costumes (or lack thereof) because since when did Halloween become sexy? I know this is not a new trend and if women are comfortable dressing that way, more power to them but personally, I roll my eyes. This is just me.

I guess perhaps I am a little overprotective this time of the year or perhaps it is my old age coming out. Either way, I am excited for tomorrow! Happy Halloween, folks!

If you do plan on taking part of Halloween festivities, please be responsible.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Alternative Blogger Of The Month: The Canadian Vampire Queen

Since I started showcasing fellow blogger's over here on my blog, I wanted to write about one of my favourite authors, Nancy Kilpatrick. She has her own blog and well, I admit, I am biased here since I do like her literary work and I have also been super fortunate to have met this lady in person. She is super cool, by the way! It comes as no surprise that I am so happy to see her blogging again so now I can write about her!

For those of you unaware, Nancy Kilpatrick wrote several novels and short stories. Most of us know her as the writer behind The Goth Bible. Her latest novel, which is book 2 of the Thrones Of Blood series, is called Sacrifice Of The Hybrid Princess.

Nancy began blogging in January of this year. Her first post was sort of an introductory one and she was promoting Revenge Of The Vampir King, which is the first Thrones Of Blood book.

Her latest post, is a final installment of her travel tips. Nancy loves to travel and often writes about her adventures on Facebook. Should I ever have the means to travel abroad one day,I am sure her tips would come in handy!

Please show this awesome lady some love and check out her blog. Nancy is an amazing writer and I thoroughly enjoy reading her posts.

Monday, 23 October 2017

A thank you present

I was very pleasantly surprised to see a package come in from one of my readers! How thoughtful!So thank you very much!

Friday, 20 October 2017

It came from The Mall

Well...I have a confession to make...I am a mall Goth because I bought this shirt at The Mall! Ahhhh!!!!

A lot of 60-70's fashion seem to hit the mainstream this year. This means that bell-sleeves are in! I had a top very similar to this one back in the nineties when I was a kid. I wore it until it became a rag so when I saw this one in the store, I snatched it up. There were many different colours available to choose from but naturally, I chose black! I love that it was on sale too! If I remember correctly, I paid a whole whopping $10 for it!

I know many of us often scoff when items that we like to wear are offered in the mainstream. I used to scoff at that idea too but when you are on a budget, it is nice to have some items fill your closet. Now that this top is "in"  there is a good chance one would be able to get away with wearing it in an office! I think in situations like these, it is best to take advantage since it will go out of fashion soon (you can most probably find it in a thrift in a couple of months) and the normies will move on but you, my friend, will have the clothes when no one else is wearing it and your mall Goth secret will be safe!

Goth shirt, bell sleaves, strega

There's no Hot Topic where I am from, life is so hard!!!! Woe is me!!!

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Monthly Music Spotlight: The Vampire Beach Babes

Logo taken from
My husband introduced me to this band! I think it was even before we started dating and we were just friends. He came over to my house and brought over a compilation CD for us to listen to. The song "Gothic Surf-A-Rama" came on at the end of the CD and I was hooked! After doing some research on this band, I discovered they are fellow Canadians from Toronto, Ontario. Hey, this is something to be proud of! Aside from Skinny Puppy and Rhea's Obsession there are not many bands from Canada that I enjoy.

On behalf of Canada, I sincerely apologize for unleashing Celine Dion and Justin Bieber to the world! I hang my head in shame! For shame, I tell you, for shame!  It is nice that I can say there is some music I enjoy that are Canadian and that I don't want to hurl whenever I listen to them. Since Dion and Arcade Fire are local, I am constantly hearing their shit everywhere I go. I don't mind Arcade Fire so much but if I hear another rendition of "My Heart Will Go On", I am going to go postal!

 If you are into the Gothabilly/surf style type of music, this would probably be a go-to band to listen to. I like to tell people that this is the Beach Boys gone goth. Enjoy!

Monday, 16 October 2017

Shadows of the Imp

Thanks to my weight loss, my self confidence has increased. Not only did I get an excuse to buy some new outfits, I also am learning new ways to wear old items.Very recently, I gained the self confidence to wear a t-shirt as a long dress (usually with Leggings or tight pants) and was quite pleased.

The pic below was my source for inspiration, in fact, I used to always envy the alternative models for being able to pull off this look because I personally felt like this didn't suit me in the past:
This is where I got the image

I felt more confident pulling this off recently when I tried on my Depeche Mode t-shirt I got at the concert. There are times, I love "short girl problems!" and this is one of those times! The shirt fits me well and covers enough where my backside isn't too exposed!

Taken before the black hair!!! Overly priced concert t-shirt for the win! Go me!!!

I am wearing a Headless Horseman t-shirt that I am happy I get to keep because my son picked it out for me! The shirt is a size too big and I am glad I found a nice way to wear it!

Goth, alt model
Yes, my hair is wet in these photos, haha!!!

Friday, 13 October 2017

Paint it black

As most of you know by now, I am on sick leave due to anxiety and panic attacks. I am trying to get myself out of this funk. I think I am doing better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am trying really hard to focus on the positive. Getting up in the morning and finding motivation to do anything is hard.Yes, I know, I am NOT a morning person but this time, it is different. It feels like I am slipping away and I don't want to feel that way so I set goals and try to do at least 3 things in one day, otherwise, I feel like a complete loser and then, this whole vicious circle starts. I don't want that!!!

The main goal I have for myself is to get better, not get worst! I have been forcing myself to shower, get dressed, and put on makeup everyday because this is one thing that makes me feel better about myself. Like always, while I do feel slightly uncomfortable posting about these things online, I have been doing so because there is so much stigma associated with mental illness and I think we should be more open about it. Even I can be closed minded at times and I think it is very positive to speak up! Since I have been so verbal about my experiences, you have no idea how many people have come to me (either in real life or online) to thank me. So many people have battled an invisible illness and they ended up feeling isolated because of it. This makes me feel sad, therefore, I will continue doing what I do best: putting my own two cents in!!!!

Now back to my story, I remembered an unopened box of black hairdye that I had around the house for about a year now. The red was fun while it lasted but I thought "why the hell, now?" and I must admit, I feel so much better. I feel like "me" again! I even found an unopened purple eyeshadow I bought eons ago. I figured this would be the best time to use it.It is amazing what some "new" makeup and a change of hair colour can do!

P.S. Happy Friday the 13th!

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Remembering my Dad

For those of you who followed me here from my old blog, would probably remember reading some posts I wrote about my dad. I was very close with him growing up. He was my rock and the person I always went to for comfort. When he passed away, I was still quite young myself and to this day, there are times I am still angry at him for not taking better care of his health, for dying so young and leaving me to fend for myself. I still mourn his passing and the past couple of days,with what is going on in my personal life, these are the times I miss him the most. His birthday was very recent as well as the date he passed away is around the corner. I love October, I love Halloween but October is a doubled-edged sword for me. It is reminders of what was left behind. It is like a smack across the face whenever I see those dates on a calendar since these dates are reminders that he is gone. It is a reminder of what I lost. I feel abandoned.

I am sincerely grateful for my family and friends who are here to support me, I am so lucky to have such amazing, positive people in my life and I do love them all dearly but I still miss my dad. I miss his comfort, where ironically enough, most people would probably think he wasn't very good at the whole comforting process! It is a good thing, I am not like most people. He was the more logical one between the both of us but I knew I can always sit down with him for a good cup of tea (he was part Brit, he thought tea was the answer to everything!) and his presence was comforting. I think he was comforting because I don't like to be coddled while I am having an emotional breakdown and he didn't do that, he just listened. He didn't get upset, he didn't try to hug me, or to tell me to calm down. In fact, he didn't show any emotion. He was stoic. He let me talk and made me tea. By doing so, he was able to get me to "come down" and look at the situation in a more logical, rational manner.

I inherited a lot from my dad. I learned to remain calm in the face of crisis and pull out my inner Spock when needed. Through him,  I learned to question the norm and not follow the herd. He also made Halloween fun every year! He got me into music (albeit Musicals and classical music) and he always encouraged me to try new things. In many ways, it is thanks to him that I became Goth. My dad was never really into my music (although there were a few songs from The Cure he complimented on) and never in a million years he would have called himself a Goth but he got me into other aspects of the subculture. My dad often walked around wearing one of his many fedoras, a long black leather trench coat, and sometimes a cane. He told me he didn't really need the cane but he thought it looked cool. I later "borrowed on a permanent basis" that trench coat and wore it until it fell apart. He liked vampires and we often talked about folklore or myths surrounding them. In fact, my dad introduced me to Bela Lugosi! When I told him I used to like going to cemeteries for the sake of going there, he never found it odd like some family members did but asked if he could join me for a stroll!

Part of me wanted to keep this blog less personal and more fashion/lifestyle related but I felt like I had to honor one of the most influential people in my life. I do like to write about being Goth and what being part of this subculture means to me (be it music, fashion, literature,silly stories from my younger years, etc) but my dad was up there too. In a way, he was sort of a gateway into me finding Goth as a teenager! Nonetheless, his memory deserves the mention so thanks dad, for everything. I completed my Padawan training and now it is my time to pass down what you taught me to my apprentice.Thanks for the lovely memories, especially the ones where you helped me scare the shit out of the neighborhood kids on Halloween!

Friday, 6 October 2017

Being a Goth Mom with a school aged child

When I came back to Goth, many years ago, my son was in daycare. I slowly transitioned into Goth and some parents looked at me strange. I didn't really care. I never fit in with "normal" people anyway. At that time, my son went to a ritzy daycare. I showed up in my Pontiac while the majority of the other parents showed up in BMWs

My kid started kindergarten. This is another prestigious school. Yes, there were middle class families like ours but the majority lived in the rich neighborhood and dropped their kids off in BMWs and Mercedes. My son was labelled the bad kid at school because he stood up for himself against his bully.

Last year was hell. We complained to the school board because again, Philip did not fit into this convenient little box and well,he was very politely kicked out of school. You see, this isn't a private school but since he has a learning disability, the school conveniently "did not have sufficient resources to help him" which is a load of bullshit because it is law that all children are entitled to a free, public education here in Canada.

My kid is now at a special program where he is excelling and at a less prestigious school. He is now reading well on his own, although with some difficulty but is excelling at Math.

Turns out, another parent, who's child also attended the snobby upper class school went through the EXACT same thing with her son. Now our kids are attending the same school and are much, much happier. That is another thing, I am not snubbed or whispered at behind my back as often because I am the weirdo mom. That is a nice change!

I hate to say it folks, I never fully saw exactly to what the extent we were judged by the school administration as well as the other parents when Philip was attending the "super snobby school." In fact, I only had this epiphany recently since my kid is now at a different school where there are students from all walks of life.

It is a breathe of fresh air to walk into a school with without people staring at me, to have the staff make me feel welcomed and the principal who truly takes an interest in my son and his academics.  The kids who go to this school, come from all sorts of families and as a result, we are better accepted there. We never fit in with the rich snobby types either, there is a reason why we moved away from the suburbs when we grew up!

I don't have any sound advice to give fellow goth parents. I will not tone down to "fit in" but this was a harsh lesson that my family had to learn. It sucks.

On the upside, my kid is being treated like a kid, not some statistic so the school can boost about it's high level of success and academics. This gives me a chance to breathe.

For the record, would I stop dressing Goth because of this? Fuck no! I learned that no matter what I do as a parent, it will be scrutinized. I might as well give these bitches something good to talk about!

For the record, here is some fun before and after pics:

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Hello fall: My most favourite time of the year!

Fall means Halloween, warm clothing, and pumpkin everything. This is my most favourite time of the year!

Goth, Hellbunny, alt model, bats

Monday, 2 October 2017

One foot in front of the other

"... We waged a war with Hell, and look, we still survive
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?

One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot..." - Emilie Autumn

If you read this blog, you would know that I have been feeling poorly lately. I even did a ranty video about mental illness. I would simply like to share some of my experiences with anxiety and depression to raise awareness as well as to let others who are in a similar position that they are not alone.

Here is the video I made:

In addition, you will see below some selfies I have taken. Clearly, I don't look sick, now do I? I don't mean to sound whiny here (hell, I did enough bitching in my video!!!) I simply want to point out the stigma behind mental illness. This is what I let the world see: a beautiful young woman who isn't afraid to express herself.

What I don't let others see: The tears, the panic attacks, the thoughts that run through my head  because most people don't want to hear that. In all honesty, I don't blame them. I look so put together, now don't I? Most people probably would have never believed me that I had a panic attack a while before the photo was taken. This is not a phase. I have been dealing with this for many, many years and usually, under ordinary circumstances, I have my shit together. Unfortunately, personal events happened in my life, events that were unfortunately out of my control and I realized I was going down a slippery slope and fast!

With all this , I know that I need to take care of me in order to be the bat-mom my son needs.If it means wearing clothing or putting on some makeup to help me, then that's what I will do.In fact, it is healthy. Even my therapist suggested I do one thing that makes me happy every day because it turns out, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee that I forgot the most important person: me. I should matter.

This one thing a day can mean many things. For me, sometimes it is getting dressed in my pretty clothes and if I feel up to it, put on some basic makeup. If I can't, at least go buy a nice pumpkin spiced latte in my old sweat pants! It can mean just taking my dog out for a walk or taking a bath undisturbed. There are days, I stay in sweat pants and t-shirts and my hair is unwashed. Those are the days most people don't see.

I also learned to let go of the negative people. You know, the ones who say stupid things about "well if she can spend so much time on her look, she is able to work" or "she is doing it to stay home due to the unusual summer weather we are having this late in the year." I find that statement hilarious because I make it clear to everyone just how much I detest the heat! They will never get it but I can use their stupidity/ignorance to write about my experiences so others in the same situation could at least know this: the problem doesn't lie with you. It lies with them. Take care of yourself! You matter. Be kind to yourself.

With all that, there are so many people I want to thank for their support; especially my friends and family. To all the musicians who's songs and lyrics were able to soothe me. I could never get through this without you. I am getting better, one day at a time.

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Alternative blogger of the month: Giggles In The Darkness


As some of you may know, every last Wednesday of the month, I try to feature a fairly new Goth (or alternative) blogger in hopes to help the person build more readership.

This post is dedicated to the lovely Sarrah Settara from the blog Giggles In The Darkness.

I  am a huge fan of her blog. If this girl could only live closer to me, I would probably be really good friends with her. Her posts are fun to read and she gets over caffeinated just like me. I would love to see the both of us together during these rushes! Wheeeeee! Her posts are never boring, she is silly and just plain cute!

Sarrah is a fairly recent blogger. Her first post was from July of this year where she displayed some of her artwork she made as gifts. Her last post is from today and I have to admit, I chuckled at her post.

So please go show her some love and I hope you enjoy reading her blog!

If you want to be featured here for an upcoming Blogger Of The Month post, please don't be shy to message me! I don't bite.....much!!!!

Monday, 25 September 2017

Growing up Goth during the nineties in Montreal

 *If this post sounds familiar, it was recently published in my old, discontinued blog. I regurgitated here*
I was born and raised in the suburbs of Montreal, Quebec, Canada, which is a bilingual city with French and English speaking people. It is also a very cosmopolitan city that has people from many walks of life and it is not uncommon to hear someone speak a different language other than English or French. Growing up, I hated (still do!) the suburbs and dreamed I could live downtown because that's where all the cool people are! In many ways, I still hold this sentiment!

I hated living in the suburbs or the West Island as most people call it but to this day, I still refer to that area as the Waste Island. Most people laugh at me for growing up in that area because it is very uncommon for a Goth to live there. Think Edward Scissorhands when he was living with a family in the burbs and you will get an idea what it was like! I am sure there were many West Island Goths but I never stuck around in that area to really have an opportunity to meet most of them. Whenever I was stuck in the Waste Island, I made the most of my situation by going to the river at the end of my street. It was one of my favourite drinking (and make-out) spots!

This is a picture found off the "interweb" of the street from Edward Scissorhands. I swear, this looks like my mom's street minus the brightly coloured houses.

I also lived right near a train station that would take me to the downtown core in 25 minutes, which was much better than the 90 minutes it would normally take should I decide to take the buses and metro to get there. Thanks to the train, most of my time was spent downtown.

I hated living in the Waste Island because from personal experiences, most of the people were snobby and uptight. I was often ridiculed or even scolded for the way I dressed. As a teenager, I was so proud of a cape I knitted for myself out of wool and would often parade around wearing it. I didn't care how hot it was and often wore it in the middle of a summer heat wave! It was not uncommon to be stared at. Now, I can see why people looked at me funny (seriously a wool cape on a hot summer's day) but even today, I get gawked at. Even toned down.

While I was not legally the drinking age (which luckily for me, it is 18 over here) but sometimes, I got into the clubs. Partying downtown was a huge pain in the ass because the last train leaves the station at 12:25am. Being by myself, I felt unsafe taking the night bus alone and should I miss the last train, I was often stranded at a shady part of the city. I remember being stuck there several times and my parents got annoyed with me for calling them in the middle of the night for a ride. Remember, this is before cellphones became accessible and I would have to call my folks collect. I would often request the ride before the recording ended so my Mom wouldn't have to bitch about added fees to her phone bill every month. I am serious. My mom would answer and she would hear the following "you got a collect call from - Mom its me, I am stuck at Spot Bowling. Come get me" and she would have enough time to say ok and hang up. I remember this one time, this creeper kept making unwanted advances at me. I was still quite young and this was a grown man. I was so scared that I flagged down a police car and the guy bolted. The cops gave me a ride home! I can still remember the look on my parents faces when they saw me at the door with two police officers!

I eventually made friends with some elder goths who well, were much, much older than me. I was lucky that many of them not only were there to help me avoid a lot of embarrassing baby bat wardrobe mistakes but also invited me to crash at their place once the clubs closed for the night! Most of these clubs don't exist anymore, unfortunately. I remember one place I went to once or twice called (how original) The Vampire Lounge. Apparently, it was owned by the mob! I don't know how true this is.

On Tuesday nights, I would listen to a Goth radio program called "Les Mouches Noires"

For those familiar with the author of The Goth Bible, Nancy Kilpatrick, I got to meet her. She is an awesome lady and we keep in touch via social media.

I remember those 99 cent pizza places. Those were the best places to go and have a quick bite to eat after a night of drinking!

I went to a High School that had a uniform. Yuck! I did leave that school my graduating year to attend an alternative school but apparently, I was informed by several people that the school officials changed the rules to specifically include "no ripped or fish net stockings" because of me and some other students.

I went to see Clan Of Xymox perform at Fouf's. It was the first Goth band I got to see play live. Rhea's Obsession was the opening band.

Movies like The Crow and The Craft came out and I remember watching them religiously. I remember wanting to look like Fairuza Balk (Nancy) Shows like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The X-Files and Charmed played on TV.

There was a magic shop called Le Melange Magique/Magickal Blend which sold so many wonderful occult items and had a bunch of cats wandering around the store. The owner never minded us loitering there!

I remember shopping at Cruella (closed down several years ago) and Diabolik (still open, I still go there!) There was an amazing thrift store called Eva B which I have not been to in a long time. I think they are still open. I remember discovering Rio X20 for Doc Martens.

I might have hated highschool but I have so many fond memories of my youth. I was pretty wild back then but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

Friday, 22 September 2017

It really is a delicate dependency

Back when I was a teenager, I had this huge crush on a certain blonde haired, blue eyed gothic cutie. I think the attraction stemmed from the fact that he was one of the only goths I knew at that time that kept his natural hair color. He slightly resembled the vampire Lestat, or so I thought anyways. Nothing really came of my crush but he did make a pretty awesome friend. I remember sleeping over at a friend's place after a full night of hardcore partying and he played the "Music for Vampires, A Delicate Dependency" compilation CD for us to unwind from the night. I was completely smitten with the album as much as I was with him! Remember folks, back then, when I was a teenager in the nineties, we had to work to discover new Goth bands and compilation CDs were a great way to get introduced to new music!

While my crush faded away, my affections for the compilation album never wavered. In fact, it was my go-to compilation CD after a night of clubbing. Remember I am from the era of mix tapes and CDs, we had no MP3 (or Youtube or Spotify) play lists back then!

The compilation itself doesn't have many songs, perhaps it isn't the best of gothic compilations I ever listened to over the years but it is something that I personally find relaxing and allows me to revisit my youth. I remember all the good times I had going out with my fellow creatures of the night; How we would parade around in fishnet stockings in the middle of the winter or how we would wear velvet in the middle of a summer heat wave.

Listening to that album brings me back to a time where life was simple. I used to listen to this when I was a student and studying for upcoming tests. I had jobs where I could wear what I wanted and not had to worry about toning it down. I sometimes look back at that little blonde haired cutie who used to tie his hair in a ponytail with a black ribbon and wonder what happened to him after all these years.

I remember the opera piece freaking out my father. Is my daughter listening to opera, what?

The Schubert piece always got blared in my room, much to my father's delight as he loved Classical music. Little did he know; this piece was played in the movie "The Hunger" which starred David Bowie. That movie also has that famous opening scene with Peter Murphy performing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" I did honestly like Classical musical but like most teenagers, it wasn't my first choice of music to listen to.

I accidentally left my Discman (again, before Smartphones, I Pods, or even MP3 players) on the train with this CD inside. I never bothered re-purchasing it either, I wonder why. I guess it never really occurred to me but it is still a compilation that is held so close to my heart today because it introduced me to The Cocteau Twins!

So, if anyone out there was a baby bat in the nineties with me, I wonder if this compilation will bring back memories for you too just like it does for me.

P.S. I have most of these songs already (now in MP3 format) but I did re-purchase this CD again, by the way. Just for nostalgia!

And I found the entire compilation here on Youtube!You're welcome!


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