Monday, 2 October 2017

One foot in front of the other

"... We waged a war with Hell, and look, we still survive
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?

One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot..." - Emilie Autumn

If you read this blog, you would know that I have been feeling poorly lately. I even did a ranty video about mental illness. I would simply like to share some of my experiences with anxiety and depression to raise awareness as well as to let others who are in a similar position that they are not alone.

Here is the video I made:

In addition, you will see below some selfies I have taken. Clearly, I don't look sick, now do I? I don't mean to sound whiny here (hell, I did enough bitching in my video!!!) I simply want to point out the stigma behind mental illness. This is what I let the world see: a beautiful young woman who isn't afraid to express herself.

What I don't let others see: The tears, the panic attacks, the thoughts that run through my head  because most people don't want to hear that. In all honesty, I don't blame them. I look so put together, now don't I? Most people probably would have never believed me that I had a panic attack a while before the photo was taken. This is not a phase. I have been dealing with this for many, many years and usually, under ordinary circumstances, I have my shit together. Unfortunately, personal events happened in my life, events that were unfortunately out of my control and I realized I was going down a slippery slope and fast!

With all this , I know that I need to take care of me in order to be the bat-mom my son needs.If it means wearing clothing or putting on some makeup to help me, then that's what I will do.In fact, it is healthy. Even my therapist suggested I do one thing that makes me happy every day because it turns out, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee that I forgot the most important person: me. I should matter.

This one thing a day can mean many things. For me, sometimes it is getting dressed in my pretty clothes and if I feel up to it, put on some basic makeup. If I can't, at least go buy a nice pumpkin spiced latte in my old sweat pants! It can mean just taking my dog out for a walk or taking a bath undisturbed. There are days, I stay in sweat pants and t-shirts and my hair is unwashed. Those are the days most people don't see.

I also learned to let go of the negative people. You know, the ones who say stupid things about "well if she can spend so much time on her look, she is able to work" or "she is doing it to stay home due to the unusual summer weather we are having this late in the year." I find that statement hilarious because I make it clear to everyone just how much I detest the heat! They will never get it but I can use their stupidity/ignorance to write about my experiences so others in the same situation could at least know this: the problem doesn't lie with you. It lies with them. Take care of yourself! You matter. Be kind to yourself.

With all that, there are so many people I want to thank for their support; especially my friends and family. To all the musicians who's songs and lyrics were able to soothe me. I could never get through this without you. I am getting better, one day at a time.


  1. I am so glad that you are taking care of you the best you can. You are not alone and by sharing this with the rest of us, it's letting others know they are not alone, either. Thank you for that!

  2. People can be ignorant assholes. Don't pay any attention to those fuckers. Doing one good thing a day for yourself is a super idea and I hope you keep it up!

  3. I appreciate you writing these posts, I haven't composed myself yet to try another therapist but your words and experiences really help. Remember that next time you want to feel better about yourself.

    1. I really do hope your next therapist works out for you and I am glad I can be of help.



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